Close

09/08/2019

What do you think of my *short* essay? Who ever helps me the most gets 10 points!?

QUESTION
What do you think of my *short* essay? Who ever helps me the most gets 10 points!?
“Education is our greatest opportunity to give an irrevocable gift to the next generation.”- Ernie Fletcher

In many countries, people must pay for an education. It is obscure how many people in the United States of America take their education for granted. Luckily, many students including myself are starting to realize that we should value our education to the highest amounts of gratitude.
To be admitted into the Marine Academy of Technology and Environmental Science is an opportunity of a life time. I am a great candidate to be admitted, for my grades are above average, and all together I am a well rounded student. The amount of community service I have done and will do in the future is an extensive amount. I have experienced feeding the homeless, giving gifts with Angel Tree to children with parents in prison, helping out a woman with Multiple Sclerosis, cleaning up garbage in my local area, and much more. Doing community service is a pleasure to me.
Many people in this great nation are not honored to be able to say that they absolutely love doing math, as I do so. To me math comes naturally, and I do truly enjoy participating in math class. Going to M.A.T.E.S would be so great for me since the main focus there is math and science. Along with math, I also love science. In science, I do my best during hands on experiments, so the hands on experiences in M.A.T.E.S would be very beneficial to me.
Working with marine species and terrapins seems like an opportunity no one would want to quash. While at the shore, I always explore the different life forms living in the oddest of places. The exploration of marine science at M.A.T.E.S is something most including myself would excel in.
There is one main reason I want to go to M.A.T.E.S. This reason is I want the best education I can possibly have. Even though schooling usually comes easily and naturally to me, it requires hard work, dedication, and perseverance to succeed. I have not decided what I want as a career when I grow up yet, but I know I do want it to be involving math, and going to M.A.T.E.S is the best opportunity for me to follow my dreams and true passion.
The focus on community service that M.A.T.E.S students have fully described something I am looking for in a high school. I am a proud member of the National Junior Honor Society, a girl scout and a very good athlete; I know how to handle hard work and other activities.
As a studious person, I always want to challenge myself. For fun, and when in boredom, I do mathematics. In M.A.T.E.S pupils are pushed to succeed, to go above and beyond expectations, which is exactly what I want to do.

This is my *short* ( must be short) essay I have to getinto a volcational high school. Any changes would help! THANKS IN ADVANCE :D)

ANSWER
You do repeat yourself a little bit. for example, I would reword a couple sentences like: “I am a great candidate to be admitted, for my grades are above average, and all together I am a well rounded student. The amount of community service I have done and will do in the future is an extensive amount.”

I would make it something like “I am a great candidate to be admitted. My grades are above average and all together I am a well-rounded student. I have done an extensive amount of community service and expect to do even more in the future.”

Other than that it’s a nice essay 🙂 Good luck!