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09/04/2019

What would make a good title for my english homework essay?

QUESTION
What would make a good title for my english homework essay?
My essay is a personal essay about me getting my concussion when i was 8. heres a little bit of my essay

“MOM!! I can’t find my shoes!! Do you know where they could be!!???” I say yelling from upstairs. “Look in the downstairs closet!!” she says yelling back at me as she folds the laundry. I got downstairs and looked in the closet, pushing the jackets over and looked for my shoes. It’s about 6:30am when the incident starts to happen. I let go of the jackets forgetting my moms’ tripod was leaning against them to stay vertical and fell on me and I black out for about 30 seconds. Once I come back to reality I hear myself screeching out of pain and pressuring my hand against my forehead, my mom runs to me and orders me to remove my hand off of my forehead….

ANSWER
A good title is “Unexpected Concussion”

By the way, there’s a ton of grammatical errors in what I see in that. A few samples

One, do not overuse multiple punctuation marks, the first one in “MOM!!” is not the best, but it can work, but the second one as on “…where they could be!!???” sounds silly.

Two, you’re switching tenses “I say” and then later saying “Looked in my closet” Personally, I recommend switching to all past tense (The second one) because it sounds more natural

Three, The 6:30 am comment should be in the beginning, otherwise it doesn’t make sense.

Four, “Once I come back to reality I hear myself screeching in pain and pressuring my hand against my forehead,…”

This sounds really awkward, change it to “I COULD hear myself screeching in pain, and noticed I was pressing my hand against my my forehead

Fifth, change pressuring to pressing in the last sentence you post here, otherwise, once again, it doesn’t make sense. Look at correction above

Last, “remove my hand off my forehead” is redundant, try “remove my hands from my forehead”

Also, use and internet thesaurus to try and not use the word “Forehead” repetitively

Wow, I think my corrections are longer than your paragraph, if you don’t edit this I feel really bad for your teacher.