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09/08/2019

Would somebody edit my essay?

QUESTION
Would somebody edit my essay?
Could somebody edit my essay please?

“Freedom is the oxygen of the soul”, words spoken by the Israeli military leader and politician Moshe Dayan means that a soul of a man with no freedom will die and shrivel much the same way a snail would if drowned in salt. Freedom to me means to have the right to do what you want, when you want and however you want without persecution, as long as it doesn’t harm anybody else besides yourself.

One man who really, exemplifies freedom to me, is the musician, Jimi Hendrix. He epitomizes freedom to me by doing what he loved and wanted to do, which was to make his psychedelic rock music. In another country, such as North Korea, he wouldn’t have the freedom to make his music because he would have to work at a factory or in a mine. I think Jimi’s soul would have died if he didn’t have the right, the freedom to make his music. I relate to Jimi not because I love his music, but because like him, if I didn’t have the freedom to do what I want, my soul would have also shriveled up and died.

If there is a place that represents freedom more than a church, then I’d like to see it. A church to me represents the United State’s first and fourteenth amendment rights, the right to exercise religion, and prohibit persecution of religion respectively. Our right to believe and worship is in my opinion, our second most important amendment, after freedom of speech. May it be a Cathedral, a Synagogue, or a Mosque, they all represent freedom even though the religions themselves contradictory of each other, by tolerating each other (most of the time). Just as Mister Hendrix’s soul would slowly die if he had his right to make his music taken away, a member of the clergy might feel as if he is disobeying his god if he is unable to worship in turn, depleting his soul.

In the end, it all boils down to the fact that everybody deserves freedom, even though a lot of people don’t. Freedom to me is the right to do what you want as long as you don’t hurt anybody else.

ANSWER
Besides the use of pronouns, which is incorrect, your essay has contradictions and misstatements.

A better start: Israeli military leader and politician Moshe Dayan once said “Freedom is the oxygen of the soul”,

Since you quote Dayan,how did his life experience lead him to his conclusion?
In what country, culture or church do you have the right to harm yourself? Jimi Hendrix, a great artist, was a troubled soul, had great angst over commercialization of his art and he certainly did not feel free.
While being able to go to church is evidence of freedom, once there, is there a more repressive place? God, in the anthropomorphic Christan sense, is capitalized.

You essay is poorly written, not well planned and illogical. I doubt you spent fifteen minutes on it.