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09/07/2019

Would this be an acceptable essay for a college application? If not how can I improve it?

QUESTION
Would this be an acceptable essay for a college application? If not how can I improve it?
A True Inspiration

DING! DING! The bell rang and everyone rushed out of the room all breathing a sigh of relief because it was finally over. Frustration was building inside of me as I still sat in class chewing my lucky pencil in which I held onto for some time for the sense of confidence it brought me. But there is no assurance within this moment. I am now stressing my mind to find the rite technique in which to solve each problem on my rigorous exam. Mrs. Smith began to walk across the room, the intensity was now at its highest peak, here it comes I know it she’s going to collect the exam and I’m going to fail. “Do you need some help?” she said. I sat confused and bewildered at what had just happened. She then offered me assistance to the problem that was aggravating me the most. After this occurred I began to feel comfortable with the task at hand. Soon I was flying through exams with a new positive and confident mentality which resulted in a decent grade overall. It was not the test’s that were giving me a problem. It was the insecurity I felt as I was in class each day. The insecurity that I no longer felt after the short moment in which Mrs. Smith displayed patience and understanding. After that day I was no longer shy to raise my hand and ask questions. I began to give myself more of a challenge setting personal standards at an all time high. I now had the ability and the confidence in myself to succeed beyond math class. My grades began to improve as it was only the first semester so there was plenty of time left in my junior year to grow and conquer. Throughout the year Mrs. Smith’s class became easier to me, she made it easier for me to understand. If I ever had an issue I knew I could go to her and ask for assistance.

DING! DING! The bell rang for the final time of the year and I looked down at my chewed up and so called lucky pencil and threw it away for I knew I had prevailed on the final exam on my own. As the year drew to a close I was called into the guidance office for I had won an award for the highest academic improvement.

ANSWER
Here’s my thoughts. I did a cut n paste and made corrections. I hope I don’t offend you. Your presentation, to me, is great but it needed a little cleaning up. I wish you the best on your college application. If I had more time, I could make addtional improvements. Nice story!

DING! DING! The bell rang and everyone rushed out of the room all breathing a sigh of relief because it was finally over. Frustration was building inside of me as I still sat in class chewing my lucky pencil. I held onto it for some time with a sense of confidence that it brought me but there is no assurance within this moment. I am also stressing my mind to find the right technique in which to solve each problem of my rigorous exam.

Mrs. Smith began to walk across the room, with my intensity at its highest peak. Here it comes, I know it. She’s going to collect the exam and I’m going to fail. “Do you need some help?” she asked I sat confused and bewildered at what had just happened. She then offered assistance to the problems that were aggravating me. After this occurred I began to feel comfortable with the task at hand. Soon I was flying through exams with a new positive and confident mentality which resulted in an overall decent grade. It was not the test’s that were giving me a problem, it was the insecurity I felt as I was in class each day. The insecurity that I no longer felt after the short moment in which Mrs. Smith displayed patience and understanding.

After that day I was no longer shy to raise my hand and ask questions. I began to give myself more of a challenge setting personal standards at an all time high. I now had the ability and the confidence in myself to succeed beyond math class. My grades began to improve as it was only the first semester so there was plenty of time left in my junior year to grow and conquer. Throughout the year Mrs. Smith’s class became easier for me because she made it easier for me to understand. If I ever have an issue I knew I could go to her and ask for assistance.

DING! DING! The bell rang for the final time of the year and I looked down at my chewed up and so called lucky pencil and threw it away for I knew I had prevailed on the final exam on my own. As the year drew to a close I was called into the guidance office for I had won an award for the highest academic improvement.